Mommy I am Home

Everyone has a home, but the word home means something different to everyone. Is it the four walls and a roof that protects you at night, the place where your parents live, maybe for you it is grandparent's because that is where you recall your first memories. For me it is none of those things. My family moved a lot as a child, so the concept of home is not slaved to a particular house rather it is a city, and it is not a city that has any association to my family, but it is the city where I became a man, where I applied all the early life lessons from my mother, where I learned that my pen had a voice and my fingers could make music, where I hung with heroes, grew into an artist with Scott Church, learned from Lizzie Wann and Chris Vannoy, became inspired by Steve Harris, where I became me. San Diego.

Every time I go home my dormant pen wants to talk to me, as if it remembers the hours spent in coffeehouses learning to paint pictures in words.

Here is a draft that came from a recent trip home, and an opportunity to see Steve Harris play with the Styletones.


Mommy I am Home


I saw her
Like I have seen her many times before
Drenched from December’s Pineapple Express
Dirty rivers rushing towards drains rarely used
Foreigners want the façade
The shiny happy people
The palm tree sunshine
The white foam glistening on a south shore break
But this is the mother I love
Soiled and authentic

Driving down 6th
Reminded of carless journeys
From Hillcrest home to Tarawa’s pier
Screaming down dimly lit street
Howling with hobos moving about the sleeping city
Wind whistling through helmet
Headlamp struggling to light path
Banging a left on Harbor
Downhill momentum through dicey areas
Smiling at mural announcing Chicano park
Passing zombies herded toward dry docks
Can still hear the slowed

Tick

Tick

Tick

As I coasted on base

Remember walking transient streets
Searching for the next collection of words
That would shape the artist
Dharma Bums next to Shampoo Planet
Gems hiding in disorganized shelves
Original copies behind glass
Clerks needing to shower and shave
Xers milling about
Discussing what the words
What the words meant to them
And I would listen
Still shy in my intellect
Still scarred from words of teachers
That didn’t understand I was high
Not stupid
Teachers more concerned
With my argumentative mouth
Than the growth of my grey matter

Remember stumbling into a used CD shack
Young black man
Heartfelt scowl and innocent eyes
Abusing an old dreadnaught
Opened his mouth
And I
Realized symbiotic relationship exists
Between beauty and pain
No shared experiences
But I felt

Every

Word

He sang

He
Like me
Left the womb
I went east
He north
To embrace activism through art
Then crossed the country to commune with Seminoles
Before finally returning to his mother’s side

And tonight I have come home too
Returned to the womb
Walked her soiled streets
And worshipped her
At the amplified alter of my brother

The Morning After

I don’t want to make this too long, but I certainly feel like a blog post is required after last night. I mean, we did play the Pageant.

I think our drummer probably summed it up best in a Facebook Post:



(Please don’t ask me why he uses Jim Swinson instead of his real name)

What’s weird about huge shows like is I am often left feeling empty afterward, like there is so much build up to them: promotion, practice, anticipation, anxiety...there is 40 minutes of pure pleasure, and then you are slapped back into reality. I guess it is similar to a one night stand, except the chase takes months. When she gets up to head home, you feel kind of dirty and sad because deep down you really liked this one; you really wanted this one to hang around.

Maybe it is more like a birthday, you never really feel different the next day, but you wish you would.

So, I try to relive the moment. Through pictures…

Pat shot this from the stage on his Blackberry



This one came from my good friend Meredith aka @rockstarima



And Melissa, the awesome front woman for Peach (@peachlikethex), shot this



And when that is not enough, I go inside my mind and write. This is for all of you that made it out. Thank you, sincerely.

The Morning After

Alone
You in foreign bed my eyes have never seen
And I trapped between blanket and pillow

Dreaming

Dreaming of catching your glance
Across wood
And smoke
And bodies
You moving like serpent seductress
And I in the moment
Reveal head and heart from wicker basket

But I saw you all
You
Hiding behind the glowing hue of technology
You
With adult recess smile
Jumped from concrete to wood
Leading your followers to salvation
To freedom found in movement
You
With childlike excitement
Experienced an epiphany
One day
You would be me
You
With shy eyes
Hid in the shadows hoping to evade my gaze
But I saw you all

When lights faded
And smoke sat heavy on the floor
You baptized me in bodies
Arms
And hands
And chests
Saying what words could not

And I
Gave you everything I had
Amplified my animus so you could see the real me
So you could see just how pure I am

Welcome to My Insanity

I don’t think that I have OCD, but I do think I do some very peculiar things, mental tricks, games I play inside my mind. My favorite was in college. I was obsessed with getting straight A's. Back then almost all exams were done on a scantron which required a No. 2 pencil. Like many ball players will wear lucky socks or jocks, I had lucky pencils, but they were not lucky. They had been trained in the fine art of test taking. I’d use the same pencil for every exam until it was sharpened to an unusable nub. To ensure I was always prepared, as a pencil was nearing its sad demise, during tests, I would get the next one out and set it on the desk so it could watch and learn. Yes, welcome to my insanity. For the record, I graduated Summa Cum Laude with a 4.0 on my transcript.

This morning, during a Sunday cleaning ritual, I decided to swap out my CDs. Yes I said CDs. I am old school. I like to own the disc, the liner notes, like to listen to an entire album as the artist intended. In my car a carry a CD case with about 20 CDs. I do this because it forces me to listen to CDs I wouldn’t normally. Like everyone else, I tend to have go to CDs that I will spin a laser rut into, so when I swap out CDs I take 2 from each rack of my CD case—they are alphabetized by artist; artists with multiple discs are organized chronologically. Instead of a normal swap I one-upped my insanity. This time as I hit a row and was drawn to a CD, I could take it, but the second one from the row HAD to be touching the CD I took, unless it was the same artist, then I could move to the next artist on either side. Yes, welcome to my insanity.

As a result, I have a seriously diverse lot of music in my case:

Christina Aguilera – Stripped

The Allman Brothers Band – The Fillmore Concerts

Bush – Goldenstate

Vanessa Carlton – Be Not Nobody

Death Cab for Cutie – Photo Album

Gavin DeGraw – Self Titled

Helmet – Meantime

Jimi Hendrix – Band of Gypsys

ilyAIMY – Between Lovely and Twilight

Lauryn Hill – The Miseducation of…

The Little Willies – Self Titled

Live – The Distance to Here

Bill Miller – The Red Road

Morrissey – Viva Hate

Paramore – Brand New Eyes

Brad Paisley – Time Well Wasted

Duncan Sheik – Self Titled

She Daisy – The Whole SheBANG

Spoon – Transference

Train – Self Titled

Tool – Undertow

If you follow my blips, you will see a lot of these artists over the next few weeks, as I tend to blip the artist I was listening to on the way to work.

Alright that is it for this quick one. Surely I am not the only one, so what kind of insane things do you do? Let me know in your comments.

Reflection…Understanding…Acceptance…

I think we are all hardest on ourselves. We dream the great dreams and when the hopeful movies play out in scenes different from what was in our head we beat ourselves up. I am certainly prone to it, especially in relationships and with my music. Every once and a while, I am able to step back, reflect on the reality and accept the situation.

In November of 2009 my band, So Much Closer, played our first show. We removed all the furniture from my living room and recreated a high-school scene.



On November 19, 2010 my band, So Much Closer, will play, possibly, the best venue in St. Louis: The Pageant for the Ticketmaster New Music Spotlight. One could debate that the Fox or RiverportUMBVerizon Pavilion are better, but for amazing stage and sound without losing the intimacy that I love in live performance, I do not think it gets better than The Pageant. Simply put, this is an amazing accomplishment.

Sadly, until we got this gig, I was really down. I didn’t think we had done enough because I saw other bands getting invited to events that we were not because the Hipsters were not showering us with praise and PBR because we had 1 poor CD review that destroyed my soul because I am a sensitive fool.

So let me quickly recap what we have accomplished in the last 12 months so you will be able to truly appreciate what a fool I am:

November:

1st Show

December:

Opened for the Matter’s CD Release at The Library; St. Louis, MO (RIP)

January:

Continued to write and practice

February:

Headlined a show at the Firebird, St. Louis; MO

March:

Headlined a show at Cicero’s; U-City, MO

April:

Proved that we could do it acoustic at Hartford Coffee House; St. Louis, MO
Opened for Jimmy Kennedy and the Wrecking Ball; Jefferson City, MO
Headlined the Old Rock House; St. Louis, MO
Recorded a CD in Denton, TX at the Echo Lab
Played the Aardvark; Fort Worth, TX
Headlined at Bash Sip Rock; Lubbock, TX

May:

Headlined at the Ten Mile House; Affton, MO
Played Silvie’s Lounge; Chicago, IL

June:

Went acoustic again at Vivirito’s; Maplewood, MO

July:

Rocked Foam; St. Louis, MO
Acoustic Show at St. Charles Coffee House; St. Charles, MO

August:

Ten Mile House; Affton, MO where we met the awesome Rhum Boogie
Played the Luna Lounge; St. Louis, MO

September:

CD Release at the Old Rock House; St. Louis, MO
Played Silivie’s Lounge; Chicago, IL
Rocked Market in the Loop for Play:STL Festival; U-City, MO

October:

Headlined Davey’s Uptown; Kansas City, MO
Played 2720 Cherokee; St. Louis, MO
Headlined Kix; Quincy, IL

And now, now we are going to play the Pageant for our one year anniversary. I think any band would be happy to have played the shows we have, done the touring we did, and recorded a pretty amazing CD in their first year out.

So how could I possibly be disappointed, besides the fact that I am a fool?

For me, this isn’t our first year, this is my 14th year. I played my first singer/songwriter show in 1996 in a little coffeehouse in Poway, CA. I gigged consistently there before moving to St. Charles in 1998 where I continued to focus on performing, playing any venue that would have me solo until 2002 when I formed my first band, Eric Ketzer experiment. After that fizzled in 2005, Whiskey Daydream was born. It died in 2007 but soon I was focused on Pawnshop Testimonies and the Frontline. I have never really stopped.

There were 2 years between Whiskey Daydream and So Much Closer and although there were projects none of them were really going for it, so I was mainly doing solo shows with some limited touring and lots of local coffeehouses. As a result, when we were ready to do it, it was like starting over. Many of the venue contacts had changed, local Bloggers now had a significant role in the scene, there were new venues to contend with and a slew of people that were convinced that Cherokee was Babylon. I mean we have still yet to get a response from Off Broadway, and that is a venue that EKe and Whiskey Daydream owned, did my largest CD Release there, played the coveted New Year’s Eve gig there 3 years in a row, but I cannot even get a response from them. It is a different world, and I need to accept it and embrace what I know to be truth.

Here are my truths.

We have had a blast. Has it been a prefect ride free from conflict, no; but, those incidents are so minor compared to the awesome times we have spent tooling around the country with hope in our eyes.

We recorded an amazing CD. When that review came out, it destroyed me, and I started to hate the CD, all because someone I have never met didn’t like it. But a few weeks ago I put it in and rocked it for a week on the way to and from work. Top was down in the Saaby, and the CD cranked. I love everything about this disc. Do I hear what the reviewer was saying, sure. Do I agree, not really. It is my truth, and we created a great disc!

We are very happy about the direction of the scene, the community that is being built and the use of Social Media to help merge musicians and music lovers.

We are so incredibly excited about this Pageant show, and we need all of you to help us make it special. All you need to do is print this image, and it will get you into the show for free. Or you can save a tree, and show the door people the image on your smart phone. Or, if you run into one of us, just ask us for a ticket, we have 500 to give out. The show is all ages and free for those with a voucher. There is a $5 surcharge for anyone under 21.

Rain and the Gifts of Great Friends

As you know, I have amazing friends. I talk about them often in this blog, as they are a significant part of my life. I am continually amazed by the people that I surround myself with: Musicians, Writers, Graphic Designers, Photographers, Chefs…you name a creative endeavor, and I probably have a friend that does it. Most of us are still rocking 9 to 5’s or 7 to 6’s (as has been the case for me lately) but we do not give up on our passion or our art. I just couldn’t image it any other way.

Recently my friend Vinnie who is an amazing producer and performer, asked me to do some spoken word for a track he had been working on with Alpha Static. I jumped at the chance, no hesitation.

Poetry is really my core. So, I am always thrilled when I get to do something that involves spoken word. This specific piece was a little unique in that Vinnie had an idea of what he wanted the subject matter to be, which meant I had to actually write something specific for the recording. I have done this in the past, but I am such a muse chaser that it doesn’t always result in my best work. I am pretty happy with the results of this, however. He picked a subject that I am pretty intimate with, and its fingers found their way into other areas of my life which don’t get talked about much.

The best part, for me, was the collaboration. I went over to Vinnie’s studio on Friday to lay down the vocal, and we ended up working the song from 7 to midnight. I was able to see Bill Smith, the other member of Alpha Static, and Vinnie work. It was so interesting to see how producers think about tracks, to see how they develop the piece. And, I loved that I was able to contribute some ideas, like adding an additional stanza after the bridge, moving the theme from remembering to dreaming, past to future. I wrote the last lines on the spot, and stole a piece from Martin Luther King Jr.’s great “I Have a Dream” speech.

So, here is the finished project. Please give it is good listen, and let us know what you think. Also, the words are below.

Rain by alphastatic

I remember when the Desert first caught fire
When we drew the line in the sand and they crossed it
My 17 year old hand
Fueled by an ideological mind
Signed dotted line
After convincing my mother to do the same
Remember the feeling of aloneness
While sleeping in a crowded berthing
The sense of fear when unexplained blips
Illuminated beneath a 15 second sweeps
The kinship I felt with my father and grandfather
Who had been in that moment
I remember the constant coverage
That would not allow me to escape
I remember when I realized I was living a lie
When pride was replaced by routine
When my right mind was silenced by my left heart
I remember when it all started again
When my right mind screamed at kamikazes
Pounded fist
Wanted revenge
And then I learned my best friend had signed the dotted line
Again

I remember when rain was pure
Before it was linked to the city beneath the sea
And failed government response
White gloves
In white offices
In White House
With white shirts
Dragging pencils though red tape lava
As blue collars and street tappers swam for safety

I remember when dreams were my mind transferring
Memories from hippocampus to long term storage
Using fissures and synapses like super highway and stop lights
Now my mind transfers your memories
And you are faceless-formless
Incessant stream of bright lights bleeps and bloops
Seven point three second sound bites
Repeated relentlessly to remind me of how fucked up I am
But you are a hypocrite
Your Clockwork Orange society threatens our freedom
But instead of spilling blood
You spill Texas Tea
Great underwater flume
Followed by a steady stream of dedicated spins
Reminding us of how much you care
My stomach sours when I see yellow and green.

I remember when my child mind smiled at simple pleasures
Chose sunshine over clacking keys
Rain over microwave media
Snow over four wall entrapment
And with the last letter
I power down
Step outside
Breathe deep
Release what you want me to remember
And embrace those moments that are authentically mine

And now my memories are replaced by dreams
And I dream the completion of Martin’s Dream
My four little children living in a world
Where they are not judged by the color of their skin
But by the content of their character
Where my picket fence is not soiled by senseless slander
Where I sleep beneath the breath of an Angel
Whose head rises and falls
With the pitch of my belly
And we are no longer afraid of white noise…

Numbness and the Act of Reciprocation

There is a numbness that follows a CD release. After months of continuous work, driving, pushing, progressing this creation, you stand on stage with hands held out offering the gift to an audience that is grateful to receive it, only to realize that once you leave the stage you are in the same place you were months ago, in this case 5 months ago. I assume it is similar to a convict chipping away at cinderblock walls with handmade fork axes and spoon shovels. When you finally break through, you are confronted with the disconcerting reality that that was just an inner wall, beyond the six inch gap is another, thicker, wall reinforced with rebar.

In the past this feeling has lasted for weeks, but not this time. Tuesday, as I had settled into day 3 of Numbfest 2010, I received the best e-mail ever. Laura from Playback:STL had a cancelation for the annual Play:STL music festival, and she wanted to know if we could fill it. I believe my “Yes” reply took 37 seconds.

We submitted to play the Festival and were originally rejected. This is something I seriously struggle with, much like the recent review our CD got from the Riverfront Times. Apparently, whatever these panels and critics want, I am not giving them, but the real struggle comes when I check out bands that were selected and, to my ears, they aren’t doing anything that dramatically different or better or more interesting. It leaves me feeling confused and frustrated. I would LOVE to be a media darling, love for them to get it, to love what I am doing like I do, but in the 12 years I have been chasing this dream that has not been the case. Various projects have had a smattering of positive press, but no one has ever championed my bands or my solo efforts. The closest I came to that was with a review by Laura of Playback:STL for my 2nd CD Lost Angel.

I was grateful for that review, and I was grateful for the opportunity to fill a vacant spot for this festival. To show my appreciation, I reciprocated and made as much noise as I could about the festival. There was a steady stream of Tweets coming from me and the band feed. Really the entire band reciprocated. There wasn’t a night where one of us wasn’t participating, and on most evenings of the 4 day festival (3 days with a kickoff party) there were at least 3 of us showing our support. Mind you, we are all still putting in 40 + hours a week at our 9 to 5s, but we are rockstars, we can party until 1 and be to work by 7. When it came time to play our set, we played like we were the headliners. We gave every bit we had, made sure to pick an appropriate set length, and stripped the stage quickly to ensure we did not eat up the next band’s time. We rocked it like the pros we are.

Our friend Irene was there to watch us throw down, and she took some great shots.

¾ of So Much Closer



Ghosts of Midnight you take me down…



PE doing his closed eyes thing…



Two Tweeds and some Fiji...



Swan feeling it…



Now, where I may fail with critics and panel participants, I do extremely well with club owners. The Booking Agent from Market Pub House was eager to get our contact information to schedule a repeat performance. He shoots…he scores. Ultimately, as much as I want to be adored by Music Critics what is most important to me is remaining authentic.

I don't work for anybody but the muse -- Neil Young

This act of reciprocation is something very important to me. It is something I have practiced since I started performing. Musical communities are built on this concept. If you are in a band and have an off night, go see the bands that you dig. In turn, hopefully, they will do the same for you. If a venue is supporting you, support it. Get people to go there, spend time up there yourself. Recently we have played a few shows with Rhum Boogie, and they get this concept. When they had a show at 2720, we were there. When we had our CD release, they were there. There were even members of the Boogie at our Play:STL set, mutual respect turned to friendship and we ended up kickin’ it with Ryan all night long. So, when it came time for us to book a show for 2720, what was the first band I contacted, Rhum Boogie. So, put October 8th on your calendar because it is going to be A…wait for it…MAZING!!!

Bad Blogger Turns Good...

I have been a bad Blogger. Can I even say I am a Blogger, if I have not blogged since July? I have just been overwhelmed. Between work, playing shows, and preparing for the CD release it seems that my motivation to do anything else is nonexistent. Right now I should probably be sending follow-up e-mails to all the media outlets that we sent the CD to, but I just need to take a step back, breathe, reconnect and give y'all a little recap.

Between July and now, we played some shows, of course. More importantly we met a super cool band, Rhum Boogie, a band that we genuinely respect and appreciate.

Throughout my career, I have always had “go to bands,” bands that you reach out to when trying to put a show together, bands that you go see when you do not have a show, bands that reciprocate and come see you. It has been harder with So Much Closer because we are not as niched. With early EKe it was Dark Water. Later versions of EKe were often paired with the Big Thumb or Madahoochi. But that was easy, we were “labeled” as a Jam Band, so we played with Jam Bands. The same was true for Whiskey Daydream, we were definitively Alt-Country/Americana, and as a result we played with bands like the Fishpaws, the Gaslights, and Backyard Tire Fire.

With So Much Closer, I do not think people know where we fit. Heck, we don’t know where we fit. I mean it is a culmination of all our experiences, so there are elements of Jam, Alt-Country…Patrick Swan was in a popular Indie band, Circus Window, so that shows up. Patrick Enright is Math Rock influenced, as a result there is a headiness to the Rhythm section, and Chris Logan is totally driven by the melodic groove, so no matter how down-tempo and sparse a song may be, there is always a solid drive, a solid groove. Rhum Boogie is very similar in that they are drawing from an amalgam of influences. On their Facebook page they list: Reggae, Rock, Proggresive. We list: Indie, Groove, Rock. So while we are not identical bands, we share an understanding of musical exploration and creation that somehow seems to make shows work together. We have played twice already and we are thinking of big things to come.

As you will hopefully remember, partial funding of our CD was done through our Pledge Music Campaign. Pledgers received some form of reward for donating to the cause, could be name in the CD, signed CDs, etc. ALL, Pledgers got early releases of the disc. We have received some really great feedback from the Pledgers. While most would focus on feedback from Media, I wanted to share feedback from my Dad. I mean he has EVERYTHING I have ever recorded, every solo CD, EKe, Whiskey Daydream, spoken word...everything. Over two e-mails, here is what he had to say.

1st E-mail

Hi Eric,

Well, I finished working on my truck, so I was able to listen to your CD at least four times. I think it's the best thing you've ever done. Of course, I always say that, but it's true as you keep getting better. It was just very well done and professional (professional in its positive sense). All the songs were good, so it's hard to pick a favorite. I did like the Tiger and Daisy, though, and the duet. That was one soulful chick. Lyrics were good, subtle for the most part. The CD art was most professional looking...Vicki commented on that, as well. I hope it's getting some air time and lands you and the band some larger, money making gigs. Congrats!

Love, Dad

2nd E-mail

Yep, good CD. I don't see how you can sing a song like "Scared of Your Love" that's so emotional and pretty. I'd get all choked up, wouldn't be able to get through it. That transition to Taps was really cool. I've never heard anything like that before on an album. I missed it the first time. I thought the CD was over. I should have known, as you have a habit of sneaking things in at the end. The last few times I listened I really cranked it up and it worked much better. Kind of like Lesile West and his, "Made loud to be played loud." And I really liked the 1-2-3-4 that preceded it, or is part of it, but then I always enjoyed that hard driving stuff.

Rather than dropping a new poem, I wanted to focus on a song from the CD, “Scared of Your Love.” My dad referenced it, my mom and sister have been telling me it is the best song I have written since they heard me play it acoustic a couple Christmases ago, and through the beauty of Twitter we learned:


To satisfy everyone, I have created a Soundclick page and will be adding a new song from the CD everyday leading up to our release this Friday, September 10th. "Scared of Your Love" was recorded as a duet with my friend Tiffany Belle whom I was in choir with in Palm Desert, CA--Kick Aztec!--but is currently living in Denton where we recorded.

Now playing: So Much Closer

I also wanted to share the lyrics with you. Lyrically, I do think it is some of the strongest stuff I have written.

Scared of Your Love

Verse 1
I’m scared of your love; diamond eye shine when I walk in to the room
I’m scared of your love; your smiles like a gift only give to me
I’m scared of your love; the words you whisper when we turn the lights down low
I’m scared of your love; you make the storm stop bring me calm midnight

Verse 2
I’m scared of your love; and the me I am when I am wrapped around you
I’m scared of your love; the way I quiver when I open up your smile
I’m scared of your love; the short breathes that only you can bring me
I’m scared of your love; the calm of night when everything’s alright

Chorus
Powerful fears
The one who’d been burned
So many tears
Oh and lessons learned
But I’ll keep tryin’
I’ll keep tryin’ for you baby

Verse 3
I’m scared of your love; you’re gonna leave me empty room and all that white noise
I’m scared of your love; the sense of solitude when we lie in the same bed
I’m scared of your love; silent conversations between disappointed eyes
I’m scared of your love; visions of you crying good-bye to me


Chorus
Powerful fears
The one who’d been burned
So many tears
Oh and lessons learned
But I’ll keep tryin’
I’ll keep tryin’ for you baby

Hope you are enjoying what you are hearing, we'd love any feedback you care to share on the tunes, and would really like to see you all at the CD release party this Friday: