Reflection…Understanding…Acceptance…

I think we are all hardest on ourselves. We dream the great dreams and when the hopeful movies play out in scenes different from what was in our head we beat ourselves up. I am certainly prone to it, especially in relationships and with my music. Every once and a while, I am able to step back, reflect on the reality and accept the situation.

In November of 2009 my band, So Much Closer, played our first show. We removed all the furniture from my living room and recreated a high-school scene.



On November 19, 2010 my band, So Much Closer, will play, possibly, the best venue in St. Louis: The Pageant for the Ticketmaster New Music Spotlight. One could debate that the Fox or RiverportUMBVerizon Pavilion are better, but for amazing stage and sound without losing the intimacy that I love in live performance, I do not think it gets better than The Pageant. Simply put, this is an amazing accomplishment.

Sadly, until we got this gig, I was really down. I didn’t think we had done enough because I saw other bands getting invited to events that we were not because the Hipsters were not showering us with praise and PBR because we had 1 poor CD review that destroyed my soul because I am a sensitive fool.

So let me quickly recap what we have accomplished in the last 12 months so you will be able to truly appreciate what a fool I am:

November:

1st Show

December:

Opened for the Matter’s CD Release at The Library; St. Louis, MO (RIP)

January:

Continued to write and practice

February:

Headlined a show at the Firebird, St. Louis; MO

March:

Headlined a show at Cicero’s; U-City, MO

April:

Proved that we could do it acoustic at Hartford Coffee House; St. Louis, MO
Opened for Jimmy Kennedy and the Wrecking Ball; Jefferson City, MO
Headlined the Old Rock House; St. Louis, MO
Recorded a CD in Denton, TX at the Echo Lab
Played the Aardvark; Fort Worth, TX
Headlined at Bash Sip Rock; Lubbock, TX

May:

Headlined at the Ten Mile House; Affton, MO
Played Silvie’s Lounge; Chicago, IL

June:

Went acoustic again at Vivirito’s; Maplewood, MO

July:

Rocked Foam; St. Louis, MO
Acoustic Show at St. Charles Coffee House; St. Charles, MO

August:

Ten Mile House; Affton, MO where we met the awesome Rhum Boogie
Played the Luna Lounge; St. Louis, MO

September:

CD Release at the Old Rock House; St. Louis, MO
Played Silivie’s Lounge; Chicago, IL
Rocked Market in the Loop for Play:STL Festival; U-City, MO

October:

Headlined Davey’s Uptown; Kansas City, MO
Played 2720 Cherokee; St. Louis, MO
Headlined Kix; Quincy, IL

And now, now we are going to play the Pageant for our one year anniversary. I think any band would be happy to have played the shows we have, done the touring we did, and recorded a pretty amazing CD in their first year out.

So how could I possibly be disappointed, besides the fact that I am a fool?

For me, this isn’t our first year, this is my 14th year. I played my first singer/songwriter show in 1996 in a little coffeehouse in Poway, CA. I gigged consistently there before moving to St. Charles in 1998 where I continued to focus on performing, playing any venue that would have me solo until 2002 when I formed my first band, Eric Ketzer experiment. After that fizzled in 2005, Whiskey Daydream was born. It died in 2007 but soon I was focused on Pawnshop Testimonies and the Frontline. I have never really stopped.

There were 2 years between Whiskey Daydream and So Much Closer and although there were projects none of them were really going for it, so I was mainly doing solo shows with some limited touring and lots of local coffeehouses. As a result, when we were ready to do it, it was like starting over. Many of the venue contacts had changed, local Bloggers now had a significant role in the scene, there were new venues to contend with and a slew of people that were convinced that Cherokee was Babylon. I mean we have still yet to get a response from Off Broadway, and that is a venue that EKe and Whiskey Daydream owned, did my largest CD Release there, played the coveted New Year’s Eve gig there 3 years in a row, but I cannot even get a response from them. It is a different world, and I need to accept it and embrace what I know to be truth.

Here are my truths.

We have had a blast. Has it been a prefect ride free from conflict, no; but, those incidents are so minor compared to the awesome times we have spent tooling around the country with hope in our eyes.

We recorded an amazing CD. When that review came out, it destroyed me, and I started to hate the CD, all because someone I have never met didn’t like it. But a few weeks ago I put it in and rocked it for a week on the way to and from work. Top was down in the Saaby, and the CD cranked. I love everything about this disc. Do I hear what the reviewer was saying, sure. Do I agree, not really. It is my truth, and we created a great disc!

We are very happy about the direction of the scene, the community that is being built and the use of Social Media to help merge musicians and music lovers.

We are so incredibly excited about this Pageant show, and we need all of you to help us make it special. All you need to do is print this image, and it will get you into the show for free. Or you can save a tree, and show the door people the image on your smart phone. Or, if you run into one of us, just ask us for a ticket, we have 500 to give out. The show is all ages and free for those with a voucher. There is a $5 surcharge for anyone under 21.

Rain and the Gifts of Great Friends

As you know, I have amazing friends. I talk about them often in this blog, as they are a significant part of my life. I am continually amazed by the people that I surround myself with: Musicians, Writers, Graphic Designers, Photographers, Chefs…you name a creative endeavor, and I probably have a friend that does it. Most of us are still rocking 9 to 5’s or 7 to 6’s (as has been the case for me lately) but we do not give up on our passion or our art. I just couldn’t image it any other way.

Recently my friend Vinnie who is an amazing producer and performer, asked me to do some spoken word for a track he had been working on with Alpha Static. I jumped at the chance, no hesitation.

Poetry is really my core. So, I am always thrilled when I get to do something that involves spoken word. This specific piece was a little unique in that Vinnie had an idea of what he wanted the subject matter to be, which meant I had to actually write something specific for the recording. I have done this in the past, but I am such a muse chaser that it doesn’t always result in my best work. I am pretty happy with the results of this, however. He picked a subject that I am pretty intimate with, and its fingers found their way into other areas of my life which don’t get talked about much.

The best part, for me, was the collaboration. I went over to Vinnie’s studio on Friday to lay down the vocal, and we ended up working the song from 7 to midnight. I was able to see Bill Smith, the other member of Alpha Static, and Vinnie work. It was so interesting to see how producers think about tracks, to see how they develop the piece. And, I loved that I was able to contribute some ideas, like adding an additional stanza after the bridge, moving the theme from remembering to dreaming, past to future. I wrote the last lines on the spot, and stole a piece from Martin Luther King Jr.’s great “I Have a Dream” speech.

So, here is the finished project. Please give it is good listen, and let us know what you think. Also, the words are below.

Rain by alphastatic

I remember when the Desert first caught fire
When we drew the line in the sand and they crossed it
My 17 year old hand
Fueled by an ideological mind
Signed dotted line
After convincing my mother to do the same
Remember the feeling of aloneness
While sleeping in a crowded berthing
The sense of fear when unexplained blips
Illuminated beneath a 15 second sweeps
The kinship I felt with my father and grandfather
Who had been in that moment
I remember the constant coverage
That would not allow me to escape
I remember when I realized I was living a lie
When pride was replaced by routine
When my right mind was silenced by my left heart
I remember when it all started again
When my right mind screamed at kamikazes
Pounded fist
Wanted revenge
And then I learned my best friend had signed the dotted line
Again

I remember when rain was pure
Before it was linked to the city beneath the sea
And failed government response
White gloves
In white offices
In White House
With white shirts
Dragging pencils though red tape lava
As blue collars and street tappers swam for safety

I remember when dreams were my mind transferring
Memories from hippocampus to long term storage
Using fissures and synapses like super highway and stop lights
Now my mind transfers your memories
And you are faceless-formless
Incessant stream of bright lights bleeps and bloops
Seven point three second sound bites
Repeated relentlessly to remind me of how fucked up I am
But you are a hypocrite
Your Clockwork Orange society threatens our freedom
But instead of spilling blood
You spill Texas Tea
Great underwater flume
Followed by a steady stream of dedicated spins
Reminding us of how much you care
My stomach sours when I see yellow and green.

I remember when my child mind smiled at simple pleasures
Chose sunshine over clacking keys
Rain over microwave media
Snow over four wall entrapment
And with the last letter
I power down
Step outside
Breathe deep
Release what you want me to remember
And embrace those moments that are authentically mine

And now my memories are replaced by dreams
And I dream the completion of Martin’s Dream
My four little children living in a world
Where they are not judged by the color of their skin
But by the content of their character
Where my picket fence is not soiled by senseless slander
Where I sleep beneath the breath of an Angel
Whose head rises and falls
With the pitch of my belly
And we are no longer afraid of white noise…

Numbness and the Act of Reciprocation

There is a numbness that follows a CD release. After months of continuous work, driving, pushing, progressing this creation, you stand on stage with hands held out offering the gift to an audience that is grateful to receive it, only to realize that once you leave the stage you are in the same place you were months ago, in this case 5 months ago. I assume it is similar to a convict chipping away at cinderblock walls with handmade fork axes and spoon shovels. When you finally break through, you are confronted with the disconcerting reality that that was just an inner wall, beyond the six inch gap is another, thicker, wall reinforced with rebar.

In the past this feeling has lasted for weeks, but not this time. Tuesday, as I had settled into day 3 of Numbfest 2010, I received the best e-mail ever. Laura from Playback:STL had a cancelation for the annual Play:STL music festival, and she wanted to know if we could fill it. I believe my “Yes” reply took 37 seconds.

We submitted to play the Festival and were originally rejected. This is something I seriously struggle with, much like the recent review our CD got from the Riverfront Times. Apparently, whatever these panels and critics want, I am not giving them, but the real struggle comes when I check out bands that were selected and, to my ears, they aren’t doing anything that dramatically different or better or more interesting. It leaves me feeling confused and frustrated. I would LOVE to be a media darling, love for them to get it, to love what I am doing like I do, but in the 12 years I have been chasing this dream that has not been the case. Various projects have had a smattering of positive press, but no one has ever championed my bands or my solo efforts. The closest I came to that was with a review by Laura of Playback:STL for my 2nd CD Lost Angel.

I was grateful for that review, and I was grateful for the opportunity to fill a vacant spot for this festival. To show my appreciation, I reciprocated and made as much noise as I could about the festival. There was a steady stream of Tweets coming from me and the band feed. Really the entire band reciprocated. There wasn’t a night where one of us wasn’t participating, and on most evenings of the 4 day festival (3 days with a kickoff party) there were at least 3 of us showing our support. Mind you, we are all still putting in 40 + hours a week at our 9 to 5s, but we are rockstars, we can party until 1 and be to work by 7. When it came time to play our set, we played like we were the headliners. We gave every bit we had, made sure to pick an appropriate set length, and stripped the stage quickly to ensure we did not eat up the next band’s time. We rocked it like the pros we are.

Our friend Irene was there to watch us throw down, and she took some great shots.

¾ of So Much Closer



Ghosts of Midnight you take me down…



PE doing his closed eyes thing…



Two Tweeds and some Fiji...



Swan feeling it…



Now, where I may fail with critics and panel participants, I do extremely well with club owners. The Booking Agent from Market Pub House was eager to get our contact information to schedule a repeat performance. He shoots…he scores. Ultimately, as much as I want to be adored by Music Critics what is most important to me is remaining authentic.

I don't work for anybody but the muse -- Neil Young

This act of reciprocation is something very important to me. It is something I have practiced since I started performing. Musical communities are built on this concept. If you are in a band and have an off night, go see the bands that you dig. In turn, hopefully, they will do the same for you. If a venue is supporting you, support it. Get people to go there, spend time up there yourself. Recently we have played a few shows with Rhum Boogie, and they get this concept. When they had a show at 2720, we were there. When we had our CD release, they were there. There were even members of the Boogie at our Play:STL set, mutual respect turned to friendship and we ended up kickin’ it with Ryan all night long. So, when it came time for us to book a show for 2720, what was the first band I contacted, Rhum Boogie. So, put October 8th on your calendar because it is going to be A…wait for it…MAZING!!!

Bad Blogger Turns Good...

I have been a bad Blogger. Can I even say I am a Blogger, if I have not blogged since July? I have just been overwhelmed. Between work, playing shows, and preparing for the CD release it seems that my motivation to do anything else is nonexistent. Right now I should probably be sending follow-up e-mails to all the media outlets that we sent the CD to, but I just need to take a step back, breathe, reconnect and give y'all a little recap.

Between July and now, we played some shows, of course. More importantly we met a super cool band, Rhum Boogie, a band that we genuinely respect and appreciate.

Throughout my career, I have always had “go to bands,” bands that you reach out to when trying to put a show together, bands that you go see when you do not have a show, bands that reciprocate and come see you. It has been harder with So Much Closer because we are not as niched. With early EKe it was Dark Water. Later versions of EKe were often paired with the Big Thumb or Madahoochi. But that was easy, we were “labeled” as a Jam Band, so we played with Jam Bands. The same was true for Whiskey Daydream, we were definitively Alt-Country/Americana, and as a result we played with bands like the Fishpaws, the Gaslights, and Backyard Tire Fire.

With So Much Closer, I do not think people know where we fit. Heck, we don’t know where we fit. I mean it is a culmination of all our experiences, so there are elements of Jam, Alt-Country…Patrick Swan was in a popular Indie band, Circus Window, so that shows up. Patrick Enright is Math Rock influenced, as a result there is a headiness to the Rhythm section, and Chris Logan is totally driven by the melodic groove, so no matter how down-tempo and sparse a song may be, there is always a solid drive, a solid groove. Rhum Boogie is very similar in that they are drawing from an amalgam of influences. On their Facebook page they list: Reggae, Rock, Proggresive. We list: Indie, Groove, Rock. So while we are not identical bands, we share an understanding of musical exploration and creation that somehow seems to make shows work together. We have played twice already and we are thinking of big things to come.

As you will hopefully remember, partial funding of our CD was done through our Pledge Music Campaign. Pledgers received some form of reward for donating to the cause, could be name in the CD, signed CDs, etc. ALL, Pledgers got early releases of the disc. We have received some really great feedback from the Pledgers. While most would focus on feedback from Media, I wanted to share feedback from my Dad. I mean he has EVERYTHING I have ever recorded, every solo CD, EKe, Whiskey Daydream, spoken word...everything. Over two e-mails, here is what he had to say.

1st E-mail

Hi Eric,

Well, I finished working on my truck, so I was able to listen to your CD at least four times. I think it's the best thing you've ever done. Of course, I always say that, but it's true as you keep getting better. It was just very well done and professional (professional in its positive sense). All the songs were good, so it's hard to pick a favorite. I did like the Tiger and Daisy, though, and the duet. That was one soulful chick. Lyrics were good, subtle for the most part. The CD art was most professional looking...Vicki commented on that, as well. I hope it's getting some air time and lands you and the band some larger, money making gigs. Congrats!

Love, Dad

2nd E-mail

Yep, good CD. I don't see how you can sing a song like "Scared of Your Love" that's so emotional and pretty. I'd get all choked up, wouldn't be able to get through it. That transition to Taps was really cool. I've never heard anything like that before on an album. I missed it the first time. I thought the CD was over. I should have known, as you have a habit of sneaking things in at the end. The last few times I listened I really cranked it up and it worked much better. Kind of like Lesile West and his, "Made loud to be played loud." And I really liked the 1-2-3-4 that preceded it, or is part of it, but then I always enjoyed that hard driving stuff.

Rather than dropping a new poem, I wanted to focus on a song from the CD, “Scared of Your Love.” My dad referenced it, my mom and sister have been telling me it is the best song I have written since they heard me play it acoustic a couple Christmases ago, and through the beauty of Twitter we learned:


To satisfy everyone, I have created a Soundclick page and will be adding a new song from the CD everyday leading up to our release this Friday, September 10th. "Scared of Your Love" was recorded as a duet with my friend Tiffany Belle whom I was in choir with in Palm Desert, CA--Kick Aztec!--but is currently living in Denton where we recorded.

Now playing: So Much Closer

I also wanted to share the lyrics with you. Lyrically, I do think it is some of the strongest stuff I have written.

Scared of Your Love

Verse 1
I’m scared of your love; diamond eye shine when I walk in to the room
I’m scared of your love; your smiles like a gift only give to me
I’m scared of your love; the words you whisper when we turn the lights down low
I’m scared of your love; you make the storm stop bring me calm midnight

Verse 2
I’m scared of your love; and the me I am when I am wrapped around you
I’m scared of your love; the way I quiver when I open up your smile
I’m scared of your love; the short breathes that only you can bring me
I’m scared of your love; the calm of night when everything’s alright

Chorus
Powerful fears
The one who’d been burned
So many tears
Oh and lessons learned
But I’ll keep tryin’
I’ll keep tryin’ for you baby

Verse 3
I’m scared of your love; you’re gonna leave me empty room and all that white noise
I’m scared of your love; the sense of solitude when we lie in the same bed
I’m scared of your love; silent conversations between disappointed eyes
I’m scared of your love; visions of you crying good-bye to me


Chorus
Powerful fears
The one who’d been burned
So many tears
Oh and lessons learned
But I’ll keep tryin’
I’ll keep tryin’ for you baby

Hope you are enjoying what you are hearing, we'd love any feedback you care to share on the tunes, and would really like to see you all at the CD release party this Friday:

Always on My Mind...

I am not totally sure why my mom seems to be so present in my thoughts lately, maybe it is because she recently joined Twitter (you should totally follow her…I mean she is my momma @dellinek) and as a result we have another touch point, another space where we can attempt to connect from 6 states of separation. However, no matter how much I enjoy Twitter, I cannot give it that much credit. Maybe it is that she moved back to California, and for the first time in years she sounds happy. I hear it when we talk on the phone. I see it in her posts on Facebook. She is genuinely happy. And while I am sure that is a contributor, there is more. It’s music. It is always music, and like I am music, my mom is music.

Last night I was at Celebrate St. Louis' final concert event for the summer which featured Silversun Pickups. Honestly, these events are probably one of the coolest things about this city. They are completely free to the public and usually feature local artists opening for touring bands. Sure people can complain about the VIP section, the inability to bring in coolers and such, but THEY ARE FREE!!! And it is a totally pro-setup put on expertly by the fantastic people at Entertainment St. Louis. While there I saw several families with young children, instant flashback to Taste of Chicago and hundreds of other random events that my mom took me to as a child. I credit those moments being seared onto my tiny kid brain for the fact that I am most me when I am on stage with a guitar in my hands belting out something that is so powerful to me that I am impelled to share it with you. My completeness is not determined by a job, car, house, some material possession…I am me when I am in a band and we are trying to live the dream. I believe those in my inner circle would attest that there was a different Eric between 2007 when Whiskey Daydream broke up and 2009 when So Much Closer formed. Whether that is good or bad is debatable, but it is, and I can thank my mom for it.

I didn’t want to get out of this blog without mentioning where I was Friday. Yeah, you guessed it, Celebrate St. Louis enjoying Sara Bareilles. I do not go to these events as much as I should because for all my love of music, I do not love chaos and can get weirded out in large gatherings of people, but I could not miss Sara. I think like most I was introduced to her via “Love Song,” sure it is poppy and catchy and worthy of VH1 rotation, but I would have never bought a CD based on that song. Then I saw a small piece of amazing Mia Michaels choreography performed to “Gravity,” and it moved me in places that I thought had been dead for years.



I sought her out the next day and have been a huge fan ever since. As a musician and songwriter I have always struggled to connect with critics. I do not know what they want from me, why some bands get praise when my projects are largely ignored, but I have come to the conclusion that all I can do is remain authentic to myself, to create music that I want to hear, and I want to hear music that moves me: “Gravity,” without all the flash and movement, just stripped and every bit as powerful.



You know I couldn’t close without a poem, so here you go. Mom, this is for you. I love you.

Laughter as Sunshine

I wish I could cut the continent in half and be there for you
You whose voice quivers when upset
You try to hide it
I hear it across cellular waves sharing a satellite to bring us closer
That little girl fear of uncertainty
Exhausted and depleted
Yet somehow able to choke down the tears
And I with my special gift to make you laugh
Try harder
Hoping to hear your smile across miles of atmosphere
When you laugh
Gregarious
Uncontrollable
Bladder breaking
The entire world is sunshine
And I bathe in it

Birthday Week

Birthday Week is kind of the new “In” thing. At this point we have all become so self absorbed and egocentric that one day is not enough, damn it we need a full week to really bathe in narcissism as we celebrate being born into this chaos we call life. Well, I was hipster before hipster was cool (and I have the beard photos to prove it), so of course I had to do the “In” thing, and I had one hell of a Birthday Week.

Now, in my defense, I have been playing on or near my birthday since 2003, so back in May I set up a show at the St. Charles Coffee House for the 17th, two days after my birthday so it would serve as the birthday show. As fate would have it we got booked at the Library on the 10th (which ended up closing down, so we actually played Foam on the 10th, but that is a different subject all together) and instantly I had bookends to an actual Birthday Week.

The show at Foam was just an amazing release. So Much Closer hadn’t played electric in St. Louis since May 15th, so we were all very excited. I think the let down of moving from a large venue to a tiny one, made it that much more intense, like we had something to prove. Here is a clip from that night:

After the show we hung out at the Luna Lounge with a huge gaggle of people from Twitter who had come out to support us. That ended up being an extremely late night, as we ventured over to Uncle Bills for some late night eats.

Sunday was relatively chill, no practice, since we just played…I am sure there was TV and Laundry, but outside of that I cannot recall what I did.

Monday was back to work, just another day, but when Tuesday came along things got birthdayrific. First gifts of Chocolate Chip & Jalapeno cookies and a cool Spicy Cookbook from Jennifer Loughman showed up at my office, brought by her Carrier pigeon, aka JT her boyfriend who works with me.



A couple hours later, brownies from Meredith arrive, and they were to die for.



Before I get too deep into this, I should point out that I only had one piece of any of the deserts that were brought to me. I felt it was my obligation to at least taste them, since they were made for me, but taking down boxes of cookies, brownies, cakes, and the likes is not really part of my workout regimen.

Wednesday, and it is time for the boss to show me some love, so she took me out for lunch and then got my ALL TIME FAVORITE cheesecake: Hank’s Keylime. I am not going to lie, I did have 1 piece at work and took 1 home, but it is my all time favorite.



Thursday I took the day off and went to Six Flags with 5 of my closest friends, nothing like acting 18 on your 36th birthday. We capped off a day of riding roller coasters in the sweltering heat with some decent Mexican food, and then I headed home for an evening of movies. First the Waterboy because it is a classic and I love it, and then Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Juan Antonio is my new hero.

Friday was back to the grind which is surprisingly easy to do when you know you are only 9 to 10 hours away from a weekend. Plus my team took care of me. Yes another cake. This one was an amazing strawberry white cake thing from Helfer's. I had never heard of that place before, but that icing was so good I wanted to do things to it that would have me blushing if anyone entered into my office.


After work, I had a lot to do to prepare for the after party the following night. I made my Cajun pasta, some spicy hummus, and a cheese tray which took me until 11 when I decided to become 1 with my pillow.

Saturday day involved a pretty serious house cleaning session, car washing, and eating cereal while some dude fixed my garage door, and then finally we got to throw down at the St. Charles Coffee House. Our friends My Molly opened up for us with an inspiring performance, and then we tore into a blistering acoustic set. My favorite quote from the night came from my friend Julie Saletto:

“Had a great time at the show tonight, Vin and I keep discussing how touching and powerful it was!”

That is all I could hope for from any performance.

Afterwards I invited anyone that was at the venue back to my house (Yeah, that is how I roll). We had about 20 take us up on the offer, which made for a pretty fantastic end to my birthday week. I am not even sure what I said, but Meredith seemed to enjoy it:

“I just laughed so hard it hurts. @ketzermusic is a funny funny man.”

I also got to open 3 more gifts, 3 gifts that would become my favorites. Huge thanks to my Mom, Stephanie, and Julie. PLUS, yes you guessed it, one more cake. This one from Mary who is part of my morning workout crew, and her cake was probably the most sinful. I guess that is why we workout. This chocolate bundt cake is too amazing to photograph, someone may lose their soul. However, I am looking for people to help me eat it, so come on over.

All this birthday talk got me thinking about who I am, and who I was. I am not unhappy with who I have become, but there are definitely times when I miss the little guy inside.

Kool-Aid-Stained-Lip Smile


I still remember him
Tiny fingers and floppy hair
Energy eyes and sweet spirit
He hides within
Drinks with two unsteady hands on cup
Exclaims AHHHH! after each refreshing gulp
Smiles his Kool-Aid-stained-lip smile
But now some thirteen thousand one hundred and forty days old
He is less boy and more man
Tired fingers and failing hair
Exhausted eyes and sarcastic spirit
He hides within
Drinks in time-saving chugs
Releases empty cup with no acknowledgment of satisfaction
Still smiles his Kool-Aid-stained-lip smile
Some things never change

Solace on the Stairs

I am a muse chaser. The faithful readers know this about me. I can craft, and I believe I have displayed some of that here using third party inspiration to write, but that is not really what it is about for me. I am not really writing to create the perfect poem or song. I am writing to release the headwords that skate the fissures of my grey matter, stealing focus, impelling me to put pen to paper. I assume there are tons of writers that write for the very same reason. Today I want to take you a little deeper into my process, to an area where I may reveal a little uniqueness.

I believe most writers begin as readers. I was never a reader, although, at this point, I have read a lot, but I still do not consider myself a reader. While I appreciate reading novels and short stories, I’d much rather hear poetry read than read it. I think for them, the readers, the magic moments happen with there is blank paper in front of them, or they are staring at the eerie glow of a Word page begging them to waltz with the flashing cursor. But that is not my process.

I hear the words.

We are not talking schizophrenia, just when the muse arrives it is an auditory process, which is why so much of my writing comes when driving, open road, external conversations silenced, left alone with the pureness of my thoughts, and my thoughts speak in poetic devices. They craft themselves in metered moments that sound good in my head, and in these moments sound is every bit as important as meaning. The problem is when the driving stops or the world catches up to my thoughts, they can go mute, and then I am left unfulfilled. This was last night for me.

I never really know which Eric is going to show up (I realize we are sounding schizophrenic again, and that fact that I used we makes it even worse) to an event. #WittyEric is quick, sarcastic, and hilarious. That’s really who I hope comes, but sometimes it is #QuietEric. Now there are usually some contributing factors to #QuietEric, and most of them deal with the level of activation forced on the cerebral cortex. Of course I am referring to a Hans Eysencks theory on personality which basically states that introverts are stimulus shy because they have extremely active cerebral cortexes, so they shy away from additional stimulus. Needless to say when I walked into a party 50 deep with people I really didn’t know, shy boy showed up and ran to seek solace on the stairs overlooking the outside gathering. There were others within arm’s length and I could engage in a number of conversations, but I was able to secure a spot for me, my Fiji water, and my crab shell. As the night progressed and the crowd disbursed the crab shell came off, and I was able to engage. I transitioned from #QuietEric to #ObserverEric which is one of my favorite me’s, engaging when relevant but content to listen and observe. The unfortunate part is of the 50 in the house, I may have known 20 of them from my SM life, and I would have genuinely enjoyed getting to know them beyond Tweets and Status updates. I suppose we will save that for another time.

On the drive home, these words guided me safely, keeping my mind awake at 2:30am.

And You

With sunshine smile and witty words

And I

With crab armor and silent tongue

At this point, I was game on. I was gonna shusshhh sleep and write me some poetry. The first thing I did was attack the words my head heard:

And You

With hopeful smile and witty words

And I

With crab armor and tight tongue

I liked the alliteration so much at the end of the 2nd line, that I wanted to end the 4^th line with alliteration as well. I could not come up with a good “C” for shell, so I decided to bail “sunshine smile” in favor of “hopeful smile,” which made it pair better with crab armor. Then I started pushing and screwed myself.

Danced in different directions

Your Lines

Eloquent

Fluid

Graceful

My Lines

Hesitant

Introverted

Juvenile

And through the movements I thought of you

The “Eloquent, Fluid, Graceful” came out so naturally, easily, and I loved that it was alphabetical. That is when the OCD kicked in and the mighty mind silenced the head words. I became obsessed with continuing the alphabetical adjectives, and J…well J is a beast. It literally took me an hour to come up with “Juvenile.” At that point, the Muse had already moved on to her next victim, inspiration was replaced by exhaustion, and I was left unfulfilled.

Since I couldn't finish a poem for you, I decided to do a quick video. I felt you deserved something for reading my little diatribe. This is me reciting "Forget" which you may remember from a few weeks ago. Is this how you heard it in your head?