Always on My Mind...

I am not totally sure why my mom seems to be so present in my thoughts lately, maybe it is because she recently joined Twitter (you should totally follow her…I mean she is my momma @dellinek) and as a result we have another touch point, another space where we can attempt to connect from 6 states of separation. However, no matter how much I enjoy Twitter, I cannot give it that much credit. Maybe it is that she moved back to California, and for the first time in years she sounds happy. I hear it when we talk on the phone. I see it in her posts on Facebook. She is genuinely happy. And while I am sure that is a contributor, there is more. It’s music. It is always music, and like I am music, my mom is music.

Last night I was at Celebrate St. Louis' final concert event for the summer which featured Silversun Pickups. Honestly, these events are probably one of the coolest things about this city. They are completely free to the public and usually feature local artists opening for touring bands. Sure people can complain about the VIP section, the inability to bring in coolers and such, but THEY ARE FREE!!! And it is a totally pro-setup put on expertly by the fantastic people at Entertainment St. Louis. While there I saw several families with young children, instant flashback to Taste of Chicago and hundreds of other random events that my mom took me to as a child. I credit those moments being seared onto my tiny kid brain for the fact that I am most me when I am on stage with a guitar in my hands belting out something that is so powerful to me that I am impelled to share it with you. My completeness is not determined by a job, car, house, some material possession…I am me when I am in a band and we are trying to live the dream. I believe those in my inner circle would attest that there was a different Eric between 2007 when Whiskey Daydream broke up and 2009 when So Much Closer formed. Whether that is good or bad is debatable, but it is, and I can thank my mom for it.

I didn’t want to get out of this blog without mentioning where I was Friday. Yeah, you guessed it, Celebrate St. Louis enjoying Sara Bareilles. I do not go to these events as much as I should because for all my love of music, I do not love chaos and can get weirded out in large gatherings of people, but I could not miss Sara. I think like most I was introduced to her via “Love Song,” sure it is poppy and catchy and worthy of VH1 rotation, but I would have never bought a CD based on that song. Then I saw a small piece of amazing Mia Michaels choreography performed to “Gravity,” and it moved me in places that I thought had been dead for years.



I sought her out the next day and have been a huge fan ever since. As a musician and songwriter I have always struggled to connect with critics. I do not know what they want from me, why some bands get praise when my projects are largely ignored, but I have come to the conclusion that all I can do is remain authentic to myself, to create music that I want to hear, and I want to hear music that moves me: “Gravity,” without all the flash and movement, just stripped and every bit as powerful.



You know I couldn’t close without a poem, so here you go. Mom, this is for you. I love you.

Laughter as Sunshine

I wish I could cut the continent in half and be there for you
You whose voice quivers when upset
You try to hide it
I hear it across cellular waves sharing a satellite to bring us closer
That little girl fear of uncertainty
Exhausted and depleted
Yet somehow able to choke down the tears
And I with my special gift to make you laugh
Try harder
Hoping to hear your smile across miles of atmosphere
When you laugh
Gregarious
Uncontrollable
Bladder breaking
The entire world is sunshine
And I bathe in it

Birthday Week

Birthday Week is kind of the new “In” thing. At this point we have all become so self absorbed and egocentric that one day is not enough, damn it we need a full week to really bathe in narcissism as we celebrate being born into this chaos we call life. Well, I was hipster before hipster was cool (and I have the beard photos to prove it), so of course I had to do the “In” thing, and I had one hell of a Birthday Week.

Now, in my defense, I have been playing on or near my birthday since 2003, so back in May I set up a show at the St. Charles Coffee House for the 17th, two days after my birthday so it would serve as the birthday show. As fate would have it we got booked at the Library on the 10th (which ended up closing down, so we actually played Foam on the 10th, but that is a different subject all together) and instantly I had bookends to an actual Birthday Week.

The show at Foam was just an amazing release. So Much Closer hadn’t played electric in St. Louis since May 15th, so we were all very excited. I think the let down of moving from a large venue to a tiny one, made it that much more intense, like we had something to prove. Here is a clip from that night:

After the show we hung out at the Luna Lounge with a huge gaggle of people from Twitter who had come out to support us. That ended up being an extremely late night, as we ventured over to Uncle Bills for some late night eats.

Sunday was relatively chill, no practice, since we just played…I am sure there was TV and Laundry, but outside of that I cannot recall what I did.

Monday was back to work, just another day, but when Tuesday came along things got birthdayrific. First gifts of Chocolate Chip & Jalapeno cookies and a cool Spicy Cookbook from Jennifer Loughman showed up at my office, brought by her Carrier pigeon, aka JT her boyfriend who works with me.



A couple hours later, brownies from Meredith arrive, and they were to die for.



Before I get too deep into this, I should point out that I only had one piece of any of the deserts that were brought to me. I felt it was my obligation to at least taste them, since they were made for me, but taking down boxes of cookies, brownies, cakes, and the likes is not really part of my workout regimen.

Wednesday, and it is time for the boss to show me some love, so she took me out for lunch and then got my ALL TIME FAVORITE cheesecake: Hank’s Keylime. I am not going to lie, I did have 1 piece at work and took 1 home, but it is my all time favorite.



Thursday I took the day off and went to Six Flags with 5 of my closest friends, nothing like acting 18 on your 36th birthday. We capped off a day of riding roller coasters in the sweltering heat with some decent Mexican food, and then I headed home for an evening of movies. First the Waterboy because it is a classic and I love it, and then Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Juan Antonio is my new hero.

Friday was back to the grind which is surprisingly easy to do when you know you are only 9 to 10 hours away from a weekend. Plus my team took care of me. Yes another cake. This one was an amazing strawberry white cake thing from Helfer's. I had never heard of that place before, but that icing was so good I wanted to do things to it that would have me blushing if anyone entered into my office.


After work, I had a lot to do to prepare for the after party the following night. I made my Cajun pasta, some spicy hummus, and a cheese tray which took me until 11 when I decided to become 1 with my pillow.

Saturday day involved a pretty serious house cleaning session, car washing, and eating cereal while some dude fixed my garage door, and then finally we got to throw down at the St. Charles Coffee House. Our friends My Molly opened up for us with an inspiring performance, and then we tore into a blistering acoustic set. My favorite quote from the night came from my friend Julie Saletto:

“Had a great time at the show tonight, Vin and I keep discussing how touching and powerful it was!”

That is all I could hope for from any performance.

Afterwards I invited anyone that was at the venue back to my house (Yeah, that is how I roll). We had about 20 take us up on the offer, which made for a pretty fantastic end to my birthday week. I am not even sure what I said, but Meredith seemed to enjoy it:

“I just laughed so hard it hurts. @ketzermusic is a funny funny man.”

I also got to open 3 more gifts, 3 gifts that would become my favorites. Huge thanks to my Mom, Stephanie, and Julie. PLUS, yes you guessed it, one more cake. This one from Mary who is part of my morning workout crew, and her cake was probably the most sinful. I guess that is why we workout. This chocolate bundt cake is too amazing to photograph, someone may lose their soul. However, I am looking for people to help me eat it, so come on over.

All this birthday talk got me thinking about who I am, and who I was. I am not unhappy with who I have become, but there are definitely times when I miss the little guy inside.

Kool-Aid-Stained-Lip Smile


I still remember him
Tiny fingers and floppy hair
Energy eyes and sweet spirit
He hides within
Drinks with two unsteady hands on cup
Exclaims AHHHH! after each refreshing gulp
Smiles his Kool-Aid-stained-lip smile
But now some thirteen thousand one hundred and forty days old
He is less boy and more man
Tired fingers and failing hair
Exhausted eyes and sarcastic spirit
He hides within
Drinks in time-saving chugs
Releases empty cup with no acknowledgment of satisfaction
Still smiles his Kool-Aid-stained-lip smile
Some things never change

Solace on the Stairs

I am a muse chaser. The faithful readers know this about me. I can craft, and I believe I have displayed some of that here using third party inspiration to write, but that is not really what it is about for me. I am not really writing to create the perfect poem or song. I am writing to release the headwords that skate the fissures of my grey matter, stealing focus, impelling me to put pen to paper. I assume there are tons of writers that write for the very same reason. Today I want to take you a little deeper into my process, to an area where I may reveal a little uniqueness.

I believe most writers begin as readers. I was never a reader, although, at this point, I have read a lot, but I still do not consider myself a reader. While I appreciate reading novels and short stories, I’d much rather hear poetry read than read it. I think for them, the readers, the magic moments happen with there is blank paper in front of them, or they are staring at the eerie glow of a Word page begging them to waltz with the flashing cursor. But that is not my process.

I hear the words.

We are not talking schizophrenia, just when the muse arrives it is an auditory process, which is why so much of my writing comes when driving, open road, external conversations silenced, left alone with the pureness of my thoughts, and my thoughts speak in poetic devices. They craft themselves in metered moments that sound good in my head, and in these moments sound is every bit as important as meaning. The problem is when the driving stops or the world catches up to my thoughts, they can go mute, and then I am left unfulfilled. This was last night for me.

I never really know which Eric is going to show up (I realize we are sounding schizophrenic again, and that fact that I used we makes it even worse) to an event. #WittyEric is quick, sarcastic, and hilarious. That’s really who I hope comes, but sometimes it is #QuietEric. Now there are usually some contributing factors to #QuietEric, and most of them deal with the level of activation forced on the cerebral cortex. Of course I am referring to a Hans Eysencks theory on personality which basically states that introverts are stimulus shy because they have extremely active cerebral cortexes, so they shy away from additional stimulus. Needless to say when I walked into a party 50 deep with people I really didn’t know, shy boy showed up and ran to seek solace on the stairs overlooking the outside gathering. There were others within arm’s length and I could engage in a number of conversations, but I was able to secure a spot for me, my Fiji water, and my crab shell. As the night progressed and the crowd disbursed the crab shell came off, and I was able to engage. I transitioned from #QuietEric to #ObserverEric which is one of my favorite me’s, engaging when relevant but content to listen and observe. The unfortunate part is of the 50 in the house, I may have known 20 of them from my SM life, and I would have genuinely enjoyed getting to know them beyond Tweets and Status updates. I suppose we will save that for another time.

On the drive home, these words guided me safely, keeping my mind awake at 2:30am.

And You

With sunshine smile and witty words

And I

With crab armor and silent tongue

At this point, I was game on. I was gonna shusshhh sleep and write me some poetry. The first thing I did was attack the words my head heard:

And You

With hopeful smile and witty words

And I

With crab armor and tight tongue

I liked the alliteration so much at the end of the 2nd line, that I wanted to end the 4^th line with alliteration as well. I could not come up with a good “C” for shell, so I decided to bail “sunshine smile” in favor of “hopeful smile,” which made it pair better with crab armor. Then I started pushing and screwed myself.

Danced in different directions

Your Lines

Eloquent

Fluid

Graceful

My Lines

Hesitant

Introverted

Juvenile

And through the movements I thought of you

The “Eloquent, Fluid, Graceful” came out so naturally, easily, and I loved that it was alphabetical. That is when the OCD kicked in and the mighty mind silenced the head words. I became obsessed with continuing the alphabetical adjectives, and J…well J is a beast. It literally took me an hour to come up with “Juvenile.” At that point, the Muse had already moved on to her next victim, inspiration was replaced by exhaustion, and I was left unfulfilled.

Since I couldn't finish a poem for you, I decided to do a quick video. I felt you deserved something for reading my little diatribe. This is me reciting "Forget" which you may remember from a few weeks ago. Is this how you heard it in your head?